Miz Fitz has been Detained

Miz Fitz apologizes for her recent and prolonged absence for this blog. However, it was not her fault! Miz Fitz was occupied with matters of an Important Personal Nature.

What could be more important than keeping her blog up to date, you ask? Miz Fitz was stalking her ex-boyfriend, whom we shall call Ned, when the feces hit the fan, as it were.

You see, Miz Fitz is a kindly soul who does not want to see her ex-guy fall into the clutches of a shameless hussy, and she happened to be outside his bedroom window checking for same when her faithless ex CALLED THE POLICE ON HER. Can you believe it?

Well, there was Quite a Scene when the police arrived, and through no fault of her own, Miz Fitz was incarcerated in a locked ward at Fairview Hospital where she was poked, prodded, questioned, and forced to ingest various and sundry medications. Miz Fitz was livid, to say the least!

Fortunately, Miz Fitz was able to contact her attorney, and she is now free and back at her desk, ready to provide thoughtful advice on how to handle matters of the heart. And although no one has asked, she is happy to offer this timeless and valuable tip: When the police attempt to detain you, refrain from biting. Police officers, when bitten, can become most unreasonable.

Sexist, Rude, Silly, and Lewd

Dear Miz Fitz,

My mom read your blog and she says you are sexist and rude. She also said that book you recommend, What Boys Really Want, looks silly and lewd. What do you think about that?

—Darla

 

Dear Darla,

Your mother is being a typical hysterical woman. If Miz Fitz ever meets her, she will make an obscene gesture and flounce off in a Fitzy huff. Furthermore, What Boys Really Want is vulgar, idiotic fun.

So you see, your mother is technically correct on all counts: Miz Fitz is, in fact, sexist and rude, and the book in question is silly and lewd.

Now…what was your question?

The Grilling

Dear Miz Fitz,

The interrogation every time I get home is unbelievable!  My mother is insane. 

“Who were you with?” “What did you do?” “Were there any drugs?”

I’m like, “Mom, we just went over to Wendy’s”

“Who is Wendy? I don’t know Wendy. How old is she? What school does she go to? Where does she live? What do her parents do? Does she have any tattoos or piercings? What religion is she?”

“Mom! We went to Wendy’s!  The restaurant?”

But that doesn’t stop her: “Wendy’s? What did you have to eat? Not one of those horrible bacon cheese concoctions, I hope? Who were you with?  What did they eat?”

What should I do? What do you think of earplugs?

—Cain’t Take It No More

Dear Cain’t,

Miz Fitz is down with earplugs. She wears them often, as they can make most conversations far more interesting. For example, Miz Fitz was recently wearing her earplugs at the drugstore while purchasing a slightly embarrassing personal item when she heard the pharmacist say, “You are boring and frightful for heaven’s sake.”

Miz Fitz’s perfectly reasonable response seemed to shock the poor pharmacist.

It was not until she left the store that Miz Fitz realized the pharmacist had actually said something far less interesting: “Use it morning and night for seven days.”

Earplugs, most definitely. Life is too short for boring.

“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.” — Robert Frost

They Will Never Know

Dear Miz Fitz,
My parents are leaving me home alone while they go to Cancun for five days. My boyfriend thinks I should throw a party while they’re gone. It sounds like fun and my parents would never know but I feel weird about it because they are making such a big deal out of how much they trust me. I am sixteen and I have never got in serious trouble. What do you think?

—Thinking About It

Dear It,
You are sixteen and have never gotten in trouble? Miz Fitz thinks it is about time! Why, only a few years ago she found herself in a similar situation. It was a great party!

Miz Fitz learned many things, including 1) Plate glass windows are very expensive to replace, 2) It is possible for a boy to projectile vomit with such force that it reaches the ceiling fan, and 3) Neighbors have a very low tolerance for dubstep after ten p.m. She also learned that her parents have no sense of humor when it comes to finding beer bottles and other used items under their bed.
You should definitely go for it. Think of the stories you will have to tell!

Bonus tip: A sprinkle of salt and some soda water will help lift wine or blood stains from carpeting.

Miz Fitz Gets Judgmental

Miz Fitz's mailbox has been quiet lately, so she wishes to take this opportunity to mention that her favorite author is a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize.

And now, on to today's question...

Dear Miz Fitz,

I have two boyfriends and—

Stop!  Miz Fitz notices that slutty behavior and its consequences seems to be becoming a theme here.  Is cheating on the rise?  Or is it something about this blog that attracts harlots, trollops, and floozies? Two boyfriends is one too many, or in your case perhaps two too many. Like the Nelson brothers.

An Impertinent Question

Dear Miz Fitz,

You call this blog "What Boys Really Want," but mostly it’s about what girls want.  What’s up with that?

—Wants to Know

Dear Know,

Shut. Up.

Nyah nyah nyah nyah...

Blame it on the Hat

Dear Miz Fitz,
Lately, one of my aquantinces has been acting really awkard around her best friend (who just so happens to be a guy). Then, in her total awkwardness, she kind of broke up with her best friend (I have no idea why). Then, she started flirting with my cousin(who has a girlfriend). Now, she's been acting real friendly around my boyfriend. What the heck should I do!!
—Sombrero Lady 


In her attempt to understand your predicament, Miz Fitz has made a chart featuring the acquaintance, the best friend, the cousin, the girlfriend, the boyfriend, and a sombrero. Now she has the whirlies. Do you really wear a sombrero? That could be part of the problem. Miz Fitz is going with the sombrero. Get rid of the sombrero and everything else will sort itself out.

My Boyfriend's Back...Sort of

Dear Miz Fitz,
Thanks. Well My boyfriend came back, I broke up with him. But his best friend isn't talking to me cuz our parents dont want us talking. Looks like im going to be single on valentines day again.
—Miz Cunfuzed 


Les Miz,
Being single on Valentine's Day is not so bad. Buy yourself a single red rose, draw yourself a hot, bubbly bath, settle in with your favorite beverage, some weepy sweet background music, and a copy of Pride and Prejudice. That is what Miz Fitz plans to do. Enjoy.

Saintliness is Next to...Impossible

Eva Marie Saint

Dear Miz Fitz,

My mother is a saint. What should I do?

—NotaSaint

Dear Nota,

Start by making peace with the fact that you will never measure up to her. Then celebrate by doing something wicked and fun. Sainthood is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Roger Moore

Yves Saint Laurent