How to Lose Weight

Miz Fitz,

How can I keep my new years resolution...to exercise?

Fatso



Dearest F,

Have you considered the many alternatives to exercise? Here are a few helpful suggestions:

1. A funhouse mirror. Distortion mirrors can make you taller, stronger, thinner, bustier, bootier, or weirder—whatever your eyes desire.

2. Larger friends. The bigger around your friends are, the slimmer you look. For example, you could move to the Pacific island of Nauru, the most rotund nation on the planet.

3. Anorexia. Sure, it might kill you, but you'll be buried in a size 0.

4. Bulimia. See above.

5. Liposuction. That's where they stick a vacuum cleaner hose into your body and suck out the fat. It might leave you a bit lumpy, however.

6. Fad diets. Like the one where you eat nothing but salted wood shavings and carpet tacks.

These are just a few ideas. If you still feel you must exercise, Miz Fitz suggests you start by turning off the internet and going for a walk.