Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Much Ado About Nothing

Dear Miz Fitz,
      I think that I'm falling in love with a guy I just got to know... He's in my drama class, and he seems to really care about me, but I don't want to mix up friendliness with flirtation. I'm almost directly certain that he likes someone else, but it seems like they're also just friends. What can I do to be certain?
                                                                                                                                                                                 Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,

Miz Fitz believes that you are better at inventing these situations than she is at responding to your inquires. In this case, since you are in drama class you are doubtless very dramatic, therefore Miz Fitz recommends a dramatic approach similar to that employed by the characters in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing." In the end, everyone will be so confused by events that they will be unable to conceal their true feelings, and all questions will be laid bare.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Sexy Sadie

Dear Miz Fitz,

I have been best friends with a guy since the fifth grade and I've liked him ever since... but we haven't talked face to face for a long time.
Now we're in the eighth grade now and I've been leaving notes in his locker secretly; he always reads them, but he never answers them. 
I want to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins winter formal, but how can I ask him when he pretends like I don't even exist?

Miz Fitz would like to point out that she did not know you exist either--until you wrote her this letter!

As for the anonymous locker note strategy…you have seriously messed with that boy’s fragile male brain. He lies awake at night trying to imagine who the mysterious note writer could be. Does he ever imagine it is you? Who can say?

Miz Fitz believes that there is no way to ask a guy out for Sadie Hawkins Day that is not terrifying. Nevertheless, you must embrace your fear and plunge into the unknown—preferably face-to-face. If he says no, you will suffer mortification, and possibly throw up. But it will be better than if you don’t ask him and spend the rest of your life wishing you had been bolder.

If he says yes, mission accomplished! But Miz Fitz would not mention the locker notes until, well, ever. Because it makes you seem a little stalkerish.

BTW, 2013 is the 76th anniversary of the first Sadie Hawkins Day, which took place in Dogpatch, U.S.A. in 1937. Sadie was quite a woman!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Rainbow Blues

Dear Queen of The Fizzy,
I like a guy who isn't into girls of... "color." Is there any way to get him to notice me?

Oh Clueless!

Miz Fitz thinks that you have a clue. The poor boy is aesthetically challenged. It is sad—so many colors, and he desires only the colorless, like a child who will eat only vanilla yogurt and spaghetti with parmesan cheese. A tragedy!

He may change in time, but it could be a very long time, and the change will have to come from within his own pathetic soul. You could, of course, immerse yourself in a vat of industrial bleach, but Miz Fitz cannot recommend so drastic a move, as it may result in split ends...or worse.

The Colorful Miz Fitz

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Seriously Confused

Why so serious?
Dear Miz Fitz
People are telling me that this boy I like likes me back but earlier in the year he turned me down and now were "friends" but I still like him what do I do?

- SeriouslyConfused

Dear Seriously,
The boy in question may simply be stunned and frightened by your extraordinary intelligence, charm, and beauty. He fears he is not good enough for you, and you know what? He may be right.

Friday, March 15, 2013

When All Else Fails, Read Jane Austen

Dear Miz Fitz,
I have just found out that my crush likes me! But the thing is the only time we hang out is at youth group. At school he is a jock(and super hot!) while I am a social misfit (pretty, but a smart ass to everyone which tends to make people not like me for some reason) and we don't really mix there. Should I make the first move, wait for him to make it, or abandon the notion of us dating all together?

Dearest Fraz,
Miz Fitz believes you have found yourself living inside a young adult novel. You have two choices. 
1. You can power through to the ending, which may be hazardous. Since this is a YA novel, you can't know for sure whether you will end up as a princess, or as a vampire's lunch. Probably, because you are the heroine, you will be okay, but still—it's a risky business.
2. You can throw the book across the room and re-read Pride and Prejudice, which always ends nicely.
Miz Fitz knows that this is not helpful, and she apologizes. Her cat is yowling for food, and she has spilled tea on her favorite pair of jeans, and she thinks she may be coming down with a cold.
That is all.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Miz Fitz is not being helpful today...

Oh wise Mitz Fitz,

I had acne for two years now and most of the time I pop my pimples.This leads to acne scars...Now I have acne scars and acne. How can I eradicate my acne?

- Pizza Face

Dear Pizza Face,

Acne sucks, but it could be worse. For example, you could have "hummus face."

Saturday, January 19, 2013

How to Lose Weight

Miz Fitz,

How can I keep my new years resolution...to exercise?


Dearest F,

Have you considered the many alternatives to exercise? Here are a few helpful suggestions:

1. A funhouse mirror. Distortion mirrors can make you taller, stronger, thinner, bustier, bootier, or weirder—whatever your eyes desire.

2. Larger friends. The bigger around your friends are, the slimmer you look. For example, you could move to the Pacific island of Nauru, the most rotund nation on the planet.

3. Anorexia. Sure, it might kill you, but you'll be buried in a size 0.

4. Bulimia. See above.

5. Liposuction. That's where they stick a vacuum cleaner hose into your body and suck out the fat. It might leave you a bit lumpy, however.

6. Fad diets. Like the one where you eat nothing but salted wood shavings and carpet tacks.

These are just a few ideas. If you still feel you must exercise, Miz Fitz suggests you start by turning off the internet and going for a walk.