Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Friday, September 30, 2011

He Calls It Stalking, I Call It Love

Dear Miz Fitz,
When do you just say to hell with it, and give up?

Miz Fitz sez:
Not until he gets a restraining order.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Speaking of the Caveman Diet...

Dear Miz Fitz,
I am attracted to boys who do dangerous things. Is that wrong?

Dear Victoria,
Genetically speaking, you are drawn to such boys in hopes that they will return to the cave with a fat, tasty mastodon. Far better to have a danger-loving boyfriend than to perform such hazardous tasks on your own.
—Miz Fitz, who prefers her mastadon rare, but not extinct.  Alas.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Truth About Sexy English Teachers

Dear Miz Fitz,
My English teacher is so hot I can’t hear a word he says, so when he calls on me I’m like, “Huh?” and then I turn all red and stuff.  This is a serious problem.  I think about him all the time, and I am flunking his class.  Help!

Dear Obsessed,
Miz Fitz gets a lot of letters about “hot” English teachers, sometimes with photos attached.  Ladies, here is some news: Your English teachers are not all that hot
However, in her tender youth, Miz Fitz once had a seven second crush on Justin Bieber, so she understands the whole irrational fascination thing.  As for flunking, you need to hire a tutor. Preferably a cute tutor who is less than twice your age.
—Miz Bieber.  I mean, Fitz.

Policy Alert
 Miz Fitz has a rule against allowing certain offensive words to appear on her blog. Here is the official list of forbidden words: Bilious, Dingle, Knockwurst, Nubble, Purile, Wriggle, Shiznit, Snuck, Vascular, Yoinking.
Thank you for your consideration.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Unless you want to get your car keyed...again

Miz Fitz, Help!
A few months ago I slept with my boyfriend’s best friend. It was just a one-time thing, but the guilt is killing me. Should I fess up?

Miz Fitz sez:
Keep your slutty mouth SHUT. 

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Key to Love

Dear Miz Fitz,
My boyfriend broke up with me when he heard that I’d been making out with this friend of his (true, but it wasn’t serious), then he called me some really creepy names and stuff, and majorly keyed my mom’s car, and then told my all my friends I was a skanky ho.  That was two weeks ago, and now he’s all like, “I’m So Sorry,” and he wants to get back together but my mom won’t let me go out with him until he pays for having her car repainted.  What do you think?
—Crazee in Love

Dear Crazee,
Miz Fitz thinks you two should elope and emigrate to Tierra del Fuego, wherever that is.

Friday, September 23, 2011

She's Got Mail

Miz Fitz has returned to find a veritable mountain of Important Questions from her Dear Readers.  Here, in no particular order, are some samples:

Dear Miz Fitz,
Did you have a nice vacation?  Did you have fun?  Did you get sunburned?  Did you meet any boys? 

Dear Miz Fitz,
Is it possible to love two guys at the same time?

Dear Miz Fitz,
Sometimes I get so mad at my boyfriend I just want to claw his eyes out.  Is that a sign of true love?

Miz Fitz sez:
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yikes.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Out-of-Office Alert

Miz Fitz is taking a well-deserved vacation.  If you need advice between now and next Friday, you must rely upon your friends, whose advice Miz Fitz advises you to take with a grain of salt, if at all.

Most people who ask for advice from others have already resolved to act as it pleases them. —Khalil Gibran

Friday, September 16, 2011

"F" is for Friday

Miz Fitz,
I am one of those Y-chromosome types you like to rag on, but I have a serious question. Why don’t girls just say what they want instead of beating around the bush? I mean, what is it with all the hints and suggestions and stuff? If you don’t want to watch wrestling on TV again, just say so!
—Frustrated Male

My Dear Y-Chromosomer,
This has been a test of your emotional intelligence. It seems you have failed.
—Miz Fitz, XX

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Oh Yeah, and Testosterone

I was wondering, Miz Fitz,
Why do boys punch each other?

Miz Fitz sez:
Boys "punch" because they have not evolved venomous fangs, talons, stingers, clubbed tails, tusks, hooves, or noxious sprays with which to injure one another.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. —Emo Phillips

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

It's Wrathlust Wednesday Again

Miz Fitz's Spiritual Advisor (her therapist) has suggested that her novel-writing efforts reveal a good deal of suppressed anger, angst, and anomie. Miz Fitz does not disagree.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Things We Do For Love

Dear Miz Fitz,
This guy I like smokes, therefore he reeks. I feel like I either have to start smoking too, or dump him. But I can’t live without him.  Can you recommend a good brand of cigarette?
—Princess Dilemma

Dear Di,
Miz Fitz rather likes (cough) these.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Inner Nerd

Hi Miz Fitz,
I am sort of nerdy and most of my friends are nerds or geeks, too, but this one guy I really really like is not nerdy at all. Do not-nerdy boys ever go for nerdy girls? Do I need a makeover?

Dear Nerd,
Makeovers are way overrated. Eventually, you always slump back to the person you used to be. I suggest you find this guy’s inner nerd. All boys have one.
—The Often Nerdy Miz Fitz

I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right? - Willow, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Friday, September 9, 2011

Godot! Call Me!

Dear Miz Fitz,
If a boy says he’s going to call you and then he doesn’t, how long should you wait before texting him?
—Four Days Seventeen Hours and Counting

Dear Four,
Scientists say that the universe will end in approximately a kajillion bazillion years.  Text him then.
—Miz Fitz, who Waits for No One

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Travel Advisory

Dear Miz Fitz,
How do you know when you’ve gone too far?
—Thinking About It Constantly

My Dear, Sweet, Innocent It,
You have gone too far when you can’t get back.  Unless, of course, you find yourself where you want to be, in which case you have gone just far enough.
—The Rarely Rueful Miz Fitz

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wrathlust Wednesday

Having received thousands of requests for more titillating prose from my purple gothic romance novel, "Wrathlust Hollow, Miz Fitz (aka Carmelita Woldstonecraft) feels obliged to oblige.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Miz Fitz is Very Upset!

All of Miz Fitz's delightful and informative posts are now displaying out of their proper order, and several seem to be MIA.  You can still find many of them on the "Popular Posts" at right, but Miz Fitz is wondering...was it her brief foray into Blogger's "updated interface" that triggered the tragedy?  Will this horrific development self-correct?  Does this signal the End of Civilization as she knew it?  Is blogging dead?

If you are reading this and you are a boy, congratulations!

Dear Miz Fitz,
Can you tell if a guy is any good by what he reads?

Miz Fitz sez:
Why certainly!  You may assign points as follows:
STOP sign = 1 point.
Mad Magazine = 2 points
The Astonishing X-Men = 3 points
Any book with no pictures = 4 points
Entire Harry Potter series = 5 points.
Foreign movie subtitles = 6 points
Wrathlust Hollow = 7 points
Rebecca = 8 points
Seventeen page letter written by you = 9 points
Miz Fitz’s blog = 10 points.
Pride and Prejudice = Marry Me.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. —Erica Jong

Miz Fitz Gets Low-Tech

Dear Miz Fitz,
This guy I’m going out with uses this deodorant or cologne or something that makes me sneeze, like, constantly.  Is this a superglue situation?

On the advice of her attorney, Miz Fitz is no longer recommending high-tech adhesives. Consider the lowly clothespin.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Goodyear Makes Blimps, Too

 Miz Fitz,
Why are boys obsessed with breasts?
—A Cup

Miz Fitz Sez:
Boys are mostly obsessed with themselves. However, it is true that guys can’t help gawking at cleavage. They like looking at monster trucks, too. That doesn’t mean they want one filling up their driveway.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. —Dave Barry

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Non Sequitur

Dear Miz Fitz,
What do you do about too many shoes?

Miz Fitz does not understand. “Too many shoes” does not compute.  Please clarify.

Miz Fitz,
I am having a closet crisis.
Still Concerned

Miz Fitz understands now.  Your problem is not “too many shoes,” it is “too few closets.”

Friday, September 2, 2011

Fashion Advice

Dear Miz Fitz,
So I was getting a ride home from school from this guy and I was rummaging in my bag and I guess a pair of my underwear with poodles on it fell out and I didn’t notice.  It’s not like we were doing anything.  Then later his mom found them, and now there are  Embarrassing Questions.  This is totally not my fault!
—Red-faced in Denver

Red, Red, Red…
Poodles?  Seriously?

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Doctor is Very, Very Sorry

Dear Miz Fitz,
If my boyfriend would just once say “I’m sorry, I was wrong,” I think I would die and go to heaven.

Oh, Hell,
You should wish for something realistic, like world peace.
The Pragmatic Miz Fitz