Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Fugly Evolution

O wonderful Miz Fitz...

I know this guy who really really likes me. Not to be rude , but he is unkind, ugly, and dumb. There is no way in the world I would like him. This has happened to me in many instances. How can I steer away the nasty and horror guys?

From, Total fugly magnet

Dear Magnet,

Miz Fitz has had several fugly admirers, and she feels your revulsion. However, to put things in perspective, she would like to point out that “fugly” is a subjective concept. For example, a few decades ago, vampires were largely reviled, as in the film Nosferatu, the classic version of the Dracula story.

Now things are different, and we see our vampires in a new light.

Likewise, the original werewolf was not someone you would welcome into your boudoir.

But now….

Fugly becomes fu-hot. Miz Fitz is more concerned about the unkind and unsmart qualities of your admirers. She recommends a Knuckle Blaster stun gun.

Little Reminders

Dear Miz Fitz,

There’s this boy that I sort of had a thing with last year, and I really liked him. Some embarrassing things got between us, and we’ve both acted not very nicely. It’s a new school year though and he’s in 2 of my classes. I am constantly finding little reminders around my house (or just remembering little things he did) of him. When I think of last year, all this sadness crushes me. How do I get over him?


Mama Mia!

Some cats know how to maintain
a happy relationship.
Miz Fitz once had a cat named Yoobiquitous who she loved more than anything in the known universe. One day Miz Fitz forgot to buy cat food, and served Yoobiquitous a delicious medley of canned peas and quinoa. Yoobiquitous turned up his nose at her offering, went to Miz Fitz’s bed, and deposited a fragrant fecal gift upon Miz Fitz’s embroidered silk pillow. Miz Fitz retaliated by screaming bloody murder and throwing a shoe at the cat. From there, things went downhill rapidly. Yoobiquitous took to hiding dead mice in Miz Fitz’s shoes, while Miz Fitz attempted to deal with the problem by attaching bells to the cat’s collar. It was all-out war.

The problem was not resolved until Miz Fitz visited Animal Rescue and came home with a bouncy six-month-old kitten, who she named YooTwo. Appalled, Yoobiquitous to one look at the rambunctious invader and ran off, never to be seen again.

Bottom line: you need a new cat.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

What is the Best Way to Attract a Boy?

Dear Mizfitz, I have a very serious problem that I hope you can help me with. I have this girlfriend and we have been friends for what seems  like fifty or so   years though that’s impossible because we are only , like fifteen. Anyway, we have always, for as long as we have known each other, which as I mentioned  seems like about 50 years, shared all kinds of things, you  know like feelings and stuff ( we used to share clothes but she never hung up  anything I gave her so, well, enough of that I thought). But to get back to where I started, we talked about  our boyfriend, our periods, feelings, and you know, whatever. But now I find out she’s keeping things from me and , you know,like  taunting me with what she knows and what I don’t know even though she knows this  drives me crazy and makes me want to smack her upside the head or  across Lake Elmo  though I am not really a violent person and am, in fact, one of those Pacificists. But  now I feel we have issues, you know? Like intimacy issues? Or trust? The thing is, she says I will find out what she knows I want to know in a few weeks if I just watch her boyfriend’s website. Sure, like I should have to spend day and night watching this guy’s website when I have my own business to take care of? And trust me, I really like her boyfriend and wouldn’t mind catching him myself if she should tire of him. After all, she won’t be 15 forever and who is to say that she will look so great when she’s 60? Some people think she can get a lot of milage off her hair but, personally, I think those curls are over rated. But maybe he thinks I can’t keep a secret even though my friends all know I am like a VAULT! Tell me to zip the lip and it is zipped. So what should I do ? Dump her? Grovel? Forget that! I really hope you can help me because I am about to EXPLODE and that can’t be good, even for a 15 year old. Angie

The Hamburger Dress
Wow, Angie, Miz Fitz is impressed that you were able to smuggle this missive out of that locked ward. She has read it several times now, and is even more befuddled than before. So, because this is election season, Miz Fitz is going to answer your question by ignoring it completely and talking about an entirely different subject, to wit, "What is the Best Way to Attract a Boy?" Miz Fitz is very excited to have found the perfect killer outfit, guaranteed to make any boy drool with lustful anticipation. She loves the sesame seed detailing. Miz Fitz has ordered several for her wardrobe.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Cat in the Hat

Dear Miz Fitz,

I'm still questioning...Do you think he's in love ?
 He compliments me (he tells me that I'm beautiful/ the prettiest girl of the class/ and even that he loves my earrings).
 He teases me (one time he took my pencil in class, obviously I tried to take it back(in vain) so I put my hand on the table and gave him a 'give me my pen back' look and he wrapped his fingers through mine).
 When he tells me not really nice things and I answer "Love you too" he says "I do too"/"Me too" and he repeated it like 5 times.
 We often cross our legs under the tables when we're next to or in front of each other.
 He's jealous of my 'boyfriend' : Ross Lynch<3 (it's good to dream).
 He tries to hook me up with others guys.
 And a bunch of other stuff but you've got the principle facts.

Since yesterday he is dating another girl (and reallyyyyy showing it!) though he told me that he didn't love her & she was ugly... That's why I'm even more lost ! I know it's a pretty much long message I send you here, but I hope you can answer me.

Take care!

--The *even more* Apprehensive Girl

Dear Apprehensive,

Miz Fitz has been revisiting her childhood by reading Dr. Seuss. Here is what she thinks of your guy:

Miz Fitz does not like him
Not one little bit.
His hot-and-cold actions
Reek of bull…spit.

As the fish told the children
“Make that cat go away!
Tell that cat who’s a rat
You do not want to play.”

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

New World of Warcraft Technique

Dear Miz Fitz,

My best friend is a boy. Recently we were talking about WOWfest. (every year he and his friends would go over to one of their houses and play World of Warcraft for 24 hrs straight) Since we had all started playing together he asked me what day I could come over. He actually forgot I was a girl! I can't help but wonder if this is how all the guys in school see me. I never have been asked out but I thought it was just because of my, now graduated, older brother. Do the boys literally see me as one of the guys now?

From 1 of the girl/guys

Dear 1 girl,

First, Miz Fitz would like to know the gender of your primary WoW avatar. Female? Male? Other? If you chose one of the latter two answers, Miz Fitz cannot help you. If your avatar is female, perhaps you could arrange to enhance her breast size.* Of course, this will only help you in the virtual world. If you want to impress you real world girlness upon these unobservant troglodytes, you will first have to get them to stop playing World of Warcraft, which drains a boy’s romantic impulse like a sewer grate drains a flooded street. Do you know where the electrical box is in that house? There is a big lever on its side. Pull it.

* Miz Fitz has been informed that the breast size of WoW characters is not configurable. Oh well. Virtual reality is not all it's cracked up to be!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Love Tests

Dear Miz Fitz,

How do you know when a boy is in love with you ?


Katherine P.

Dearest Katherine,

You can never be certain where love is concerned. Here are two simple tests you can perform.*

Ask him. If he immediately says, “Yes,” you can be sure he’s lying and he only wants to investigate your undergarments. If he blushes and stammers but does not run away screaming, you are on the right track.

Offer him a taste of your lollipop, which has been in your mouth for some time. If he accepts, and does not run to the nearest water fountain to rinse it off, love may be a factor.

*Miz Fitz makes no guarantees—your mileage may vary. Good luck!