Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Miz Fitz is Feeling Cranky This Morning

Dear Miz Fitz,
      Ugh! New life, new problems; same guy, same asshole. I like this boy, but today he told me that all he cares about are boobs. Disgusting, I know. Then I wanted to be friends and go see a movie, but he said that we can't because his girlfriend wouldn't like it. I get it, she loves him and I respect that, but it's bullshit. He would never cheat. EVER. And I'm not that type of young lady.
I just… I can't help but feel like I am never going to find a boyfriend unless he's straight out of a book. Even then I think he wouldn't want me anyways. 

Sigh. Miz Fitz feels your pain, but she prefers to be amusing rather than helpful. In this case, since the unworthy object of your misplaced affections is boob-obsessed, she recommends hormone therapy. For him, not for you. 

Modern medicine is a marvelous thing. A couple of years of high-dosage estrogen and he can have boobs of his own to admire every morning in the privacy of his own boudoir.

Miz Fitz realizes that this does not solve your problem, but she can only do so much.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Much Ado About Nothing

Dear Miz Fitz,
      I think that I'm falling in love with a guy I just got to know... He's in my drama class, and he seems to really care about me, but I don't want to mix up friendliness with flirtation. I'm almost directly certain that he likes someone else, but it seems like they're also just friends. What can I do to be certain?
                                                                                                                                                                                 Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,

Miz Fitz believes that you are better at inventing these situations than she is at responding to your inquires. In this case, since you are in drama class you are doubtless very dramatic, therefore Miz Fitz recommends a dramatic approach similar to that employed by the characters in Shakespeare's "Much Ado About Nothing." In the end, everyone will be so confused by events that they will be unable to conceal their true feelings, and all questions will be laid bare.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Sexy Sadie

Dear Miz Fitz,

I have been best friends with a guy since the fifth grade and I've liked him ever since... but we haven't talked face to face for a long time.
Now we're in the eighth grade now and I've been leaving notes in his locker secretly; he always reads them, but he never answers them. 
I want to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins winter formal, but how can I ask him when he pretends like I don't even exist?

Miz Fitz would like to point out that she did not know you exist either--until you wrote her this letter!

As for the anonymous locker note strategy…you have seriously messed with that boy’s fragile male brain. He lies awake at night trying to imagine who the mysterious note writer could be. Does he ever imagine it is you? Who can say?

Miz Fitz believes that there is no way to ask a guy out for Sadie Hawkins Day that is not terrifying. Nevertheless, you must embrace your fear and plunge into the unknown—preferably face-to-face. If he says no, you will suffer mortification, and possibly throw up. But it will be better than if you don’t ask him and spend the rest of your life wishing you had been bolder.

If he says yes, mission accomplished! But Miz Fitz would not mention the locker notes until, well, ever. Because it makes you seem a little stalkerish.

BTW, 2013 is the 76th anniversary of the first Sadie Hawkins Day, which took place in Dogpatch, U.S.A. in 1937. Sadie was quite a woman!

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Rainbow Blues

Dear Queen of The Fizzy,
I like a guy who isn't into girls of... "color." Is there any way to get him to notice me?

Oh Clueless!

Miz Fitz thinks that you have a clue. The poor boy is aesthetically challenged. It is sad—so many colors, and he desires only the colorless, like a child who will eat only vanilla yogurt and spaghetti with parmesan cheese. A tragedy!

He may change in time, but it could be a very long time, and the change will have to come from within his own pathetic soul. You could, of course, immerse yourself in a vat of industrial bleach, but Miz Fitz cannot recommend so drastic a move, as it may result in split ends...or worse.

The Colorful Miz Fitz

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Seriously Confused

Why so serious?
Dear Miz Fitz
People are telling me that this boy I like likes me back but earlier in the year he turned me down and now were "friends" but I still like him what do I do?

- SeriouslyConfused

Dear Seriously,
The boy in question may simply be stunned and frightened by your extraordinary intelligence, charm, and beauty. He fears he is not good enough for you, and you know what? He may be right.

Friday, March 15, 2013

When All Else Fails, Read Jane Austen

Dear Miz Fitz,
I have just found out that my crush likes me! But the thing is the only time we hang out is at youth group. At school he is a jock(and super hot!) while I am a social misfit (pretty, but a smart ass to everyone which tends to make people not like me for some reason) and we don't really mix there. Should I make the first move, wait for him to make it, or abandon the notion of us dating all together?

Dearest Fraz,
Miz Fitz believes you have found yourself living inside a young adult novel. You have two choices. 
1. You can power through to the ending, which may be hazardous. Since this is a YA novel, you can't know for sure whether you will end up as a princess, or as a vampire's lunch. Probably, because you are the heroine, you will be okay, but still—it's a risky business.
2. You can throw the book across the room and re-read Pride and Prejudice, which always ends nicely.
Miz Fitz knows that this is not helpful, and she apologizes. Her cat is yowling for food, and she has spilled tea on her favorite pair of jeans, and she thinks she may be coming down with a cold.
That is all.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Miz Fitz is not being helpful today...

Oh wise Mitz Fitz,

I had acne for two years now and most of the time I pop my pimples.This leads to acne scars...Now I have acne scars and acne. How can I eradicate my acne?

- Pizza Face

Dear Pizza Face,

Acne sucks, but it could be worse. For example, you could have "hummus face."

Saturday, January 19, 2013

How to Lose Weight

Miz Fitz,

How can I keep my new years resolution...to exercise?


Dearest F,

Have you considered the many alternatives to exercise? Here are a few helpful suggestions:

1. A funhouse mirror. Distortion mirrors can make you taller, stronger, thinner, bustier, bootier, or weirder—whatever your eyes desire.

2. Larger friends. The bigger around your friends are, the slimmer you look. For example, you could move to the Pacific island of Nauru, the most rotund nation on the planet.

3. Anorexia. Sure, it might kill you, but you'll be buried in a size 0.

4. Bulimia. See above.

5. Liposuction. That's where they stick a vacuum cleaner hose into your body and suck out the fat. It might leave you a bit lumpy, however.

6. Fad diets. Like the one where you eat nothing but salted wood shavings and carpet tacks.

These are just a few ideas. If you still feel you must exercise, Miz Fitz suggests you start by turning off the internet and going for a walk. 

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Fugly Evolution

O wonderful Miz Fitz...

I know this guy who really really likes me. Not to be rude , but he is unkind, ugly, and dumb. There is no way in the world I would like him. This has happened to me in many instances. How can I steer away the nasty and horror guys?

From, Total fugly magnet

Dear Magnet,

Miz Fitz has had several fugly admirers, and she feels your revulsion. However, to put things in perspective, she would like to point out that “fugly” is a subjective concept. For example, a few decades ago, vampires were largely reviled, as in the film Nosferatu, the classic version of the Dracula story.

Now things are different, and we see our vampires in a new light.

Likewise, the original werewolf was not someone you would welcome into your boudoir.

But now….

Fugly becomes fu-hot. Miz Fitz is more concerned about the unkind and unsmart qualities of your admirers. She recommends a Knuckle Blaster stun gun.

Little Reminders

Dear Miz Fitz,

There’s this boy that I sort of had a thing with last year, and I really liked him. Some embarrassing things got between us, and we’ve both acted not very nicely. It’s a new school year though and he’s in 2 of my classes. I am constantly finding little reminders around my house (or just remembering little things he did) of him. When I think of last year, all this sadness crushes me. How do I get over him?


Mama Mia!

Some cats know how to maintain
a happy relationship.
Miz Fitz once had a cat named Yoobiquitous who she loved more than anything in the known universe. One day Miz Fitz forgot to buy cat food, and served Yoobiquitous a delicious medley of canned peas and quinoa. Yoobiquitous turned up his nose at her offering, went to Miz Fitz’s bed, and deposited a fragrant fecal gift upon Miz Fitz’s embroidered silk pillow. Miz Fitz retaliated by screaming bloody murder and throwing a shoe at the cat. From there, things went downhill rapidly. Yoobiquitous took to hiding dead mice in Miz Fitz’s shoes, while Miz Fitz attempted to deal with the problem by attaching bells to the cat’s collar. It was all-out war.

The problem was not resolved until Miz Fitz visited Animal Rescue and came home with a bouncy six-month-old kitten, who she named YooTwo. Appalled, Yoobiquitous to one look at the rambunctious invader and ran off, never to be seen again.

Bottom line: you need a new cat.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

What is the Best Way to Attract a Boy?

Dear Mizfitz, I have a very serious problem that I hope you can help me with. I have this girlfriend and we have been friends for what seems  like fifty or so   years though that’s impossible because we are only , like fifteen. Anyway, we have always, for as long as we have known each other, which as I mentioned  seems like about 50 years, shared all kinds of things, you  know like feelings and stuff ( we used to share clothes but she never hung up  anything I gave her so, well, enough of that I thought). But to get back to where I started, we talked about  our boyfriend, our periods, feelings, and you know, whatever. But now I find out she’s keeping things from me and , you know,like  taunting me with what she knows and what I don’t know even though she knows this  drives me crazy and makes me want to smack her upside the head or  across Lake Elmo  though I am not really a violent person and am, in fact, one of those Pacificists. But  now I feel we have issues, you know? Like intimacy issues? Or trust? The thing is, she says I will find out what she knows I want to know in a few weeks if I just watch her boyfriend’s website. Sure, like I should have to spend day and night watching this guy’s website when I have my own business to take care of? And trust me, I really like her boyfriend and wouldn’t mind catching him myself if she should tire of him. After all, she won’t be 15 forever and who is to say that she will look so great when she’s 60? Some people think she can get a lot of milage off her hair but, personally, I think those curls are over rated. But maybe he thinks I can’t keep a secret even though my friends all know I am like a VAULT! Tell me to zip the lip and it is zipped. So what should I do ? Dump her? Grovel? Forget that! I really hope you can help me because I am about to EXPLODE and that can’t be good, even for a 15 year old. Angie

The Hamburger Dress
Wow, Angie, Miz Fitz is impressed that you were able to smuggle this missive out of that locked ward. She has read it several times now, and is even more befuddled than before. So, because this is election season, Miz Fitz is going to answer your question by ignoring it completely and talking about an entirely different subject, to wit, "What is the Best Way to Attract a Boy?" Miz Fitz is very excited to have found the perfect killer outfit, guaranteed to make any boy drool with lustful anticipation. She loves the sesame seed detailing. Miz Fitz has ordered several for her wardrobe.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

The Cat in the Hat

Dear Miz Fitz,

I'm still questioning...Do you think he's in love ?
 He compliments me (he tells me that I'm beautiful/ the prettiest girl of the class/ and even that he loves my earrings).
 He teases me (one time he took my pencil in class, obviously I tried to take it back(in vain) so I put my hand on the table and gave him a 'give me my pen back' look and he wrapped his fingers through mine).
 When he tells me not really nice things and I answer "Love you too" he says "I do too"/"Me too" and he repeated it like 5 times.
 We often cross our legs under the tables when we're next to or in front of each other.
 He's jealous of my 'boyfriend' : Ross Lynch<3 (it's good to dream).
 He tries to hook me up with others guys.
 And a bunch of other stuff but you've got the principle facts.

Since yesterday he is dating another girl (and reallyyyyy showing it!) though he told me that he didn't love her & she was ugly... That's why I'm even more lost ! I know it's a pretty much long message I send you here, but I hope you can answer me.

Take care!

--The *even more* Apprehensive Girl

Dear Apprehensive,

Miz Fitz has been revisiting her childhood by reading Dr. Seuss. Here is what she thinks of your guy:

Miz Fitz does not like him
Not one little bit.
His hot-and-cold actions
Reek of bull…spit.

As the fish told the children
“Make that cat go away!
Tell that cat who’s a rat
You do not want to play.”