Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

News from Bogzillia

Bogzillian Baseball

Dear Miz Fitz,
My friends are always talking about bases, like, “I let him get to second base.”  But it seems to me that there should be more than four bases.  How many bases do they have in countries where there is no baseball?
—Nada Cubs Fan

Dear Nada,
In Eastern Bogzillia, there are seventeen bases.  I believe the State Department has issued a Travel Advisory.
— The Intrepid Miz Fitz, Globetrotter

Monday, August 29, 2011

Purple Prose

Dear Miz Fitz,
You say in your profile that you are the author of a steamy gothic romance novel called “Wrathlust Hollow,” but when I google it I get nada.  Please explain.

Dear Miffed,
I have indeed written the book in question, which chronicles the adventures of the Mad Countess Ravisha. It will be available as soon as I find a publisher willing to print it in purple ink on deckle-edged pages of genuine calfskin vellum, preferably with a hand-tooled Moroccan leather cover. Also, I am waiting to hear back from J.K. Rowling, Stephanie Meyer, and Daphne DuMaurier, who will be providing laudatory quotes for the back cover. In the meantime, allow me to post a tantalizing glimpse of the manuscript, with a soundtrack by Los Barvos.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Question that Answers Itself

Dear Miz Fitz,

My boyfriend thinks I am a very suspicious person. I think there is something he is not telling me.

Miz Fitz sez:
The answer is…Yes.

Elvis sings "Suspicion." 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I'm Too Sexy For My Ears

Dear Miz Fitz,
Whenever I dress real sexy, my boyfriend wants to have, you know, real sex. But when I dress like a slob he just wants to eat or watch sports. What should I do?

Dear Anya,
There are fashion choices other than “sexy” and “slob.” Have you tried dressing up like a giant rabbit?
—Miz Fitz, Rabbit Lover

Here's something you should know about vengeance demons. We don't groove with the "sorry". We prefer "Oh God, please stop hitting me with my own rib bones" 
—Anya, Vengeance Demon, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Friday, August 26, 2011

Too Hot to Handle?

Miz Fitz,
My boyfriend  is super hot, so a lot of girls think up reasons to talk to him. It drives me . . .
. . . Out of My Mind

Dearest Out,
It sounds like he is too hot for you. Send me his photo, name, and phone number. I will check him out and get right back to you.
—The ever-so-helpful Miz Fitz

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Emergency Medical Advice

Hey Miz Fitz,
How do I know if a guy doesn’t like me or is just shy?

Those two things are not mutually exclusive. Maybe he doesn’t like you AND he’s shy. Here’s a test. Ask him out. If he turns red, he’s shy. If he gags, he doesn’t like you. If he does both, perform the Heimlich maneuver.
— Miz Fitz, Life Saver

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Super Glue Solution (Part 2)

Miz Fitz!!!!!
I wrote you before about my boyfriend’s mouth hanging open all the time and I followed your superglue advice and now he’s really mad at me.  He can’t talk, but I can just tell by the way he looks at me.  I am never listening to you again!
P.S. I hate you.

Please tell me you didn’t superglue his mouth shut!?!?!  You were supposed to apply the glue to your own eyelids.  Next time, try that.  Sheesh.
—MIz Fitz (shaking her head in wonder)

Today's words of wisdom:  A fool may be advice-proof, but no advice is foolproof.

Sleepless in Wichita

Hi Miz Fitz,
Is it true that you can tell how big a boy’s thing is from his shoe size?
—Up All Night Worrying in Wichita

Miz Fitz says:
If by “thing” you mean “foot,” then the answer is yes.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Super Glue Solution

Help me, Miz Fitz!
This guy I’ve been seeing leaves his mouth hanging open all the time. It makes him look stupid. 

Miz Fitz sez:
Unless you believe he is open-m-mmouthed due to your stunning beauty, you have a serious problem. Try superglue.  

There is Only So Much You Can Do.

Oh Miz Fitz,
My boyfriend is always saying stupid stuff.  How can I fix him?

Oh Angie, just get yourself a dog. Fixing a dog is way easier. 
—Miz Fitz

Dear Miz Fitz,
What do boys really want?
—Frustrated and Bewildered

Dearest F&B,
I was hoping, this being my first blog post, for an easier question.  Next!
—The adorable Miz Fitz