Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Getting There

I can’t believe I’m even writing to you!

Miz Fitz, I’m in what feels like my own confusion. My boyfriend just dumped me and the only answer he gave was that he was uninterested in me. What? I’ve heard of being uninterested in things, toys, books, but people? Really? I think the real reason is because I’ve been spending some time with his best friend. We are both on the Dean’s list at my school, they make us stand outside and direct traffic like we’re safety patrols. They feel that we’re responsible enough to do things without anyone watching us. Apparently my ex didn’t think so. Lately his friend has been a super gentleman, picking up my bookbags, walking me to my classes, he won’t even say goodbye without a hug from me. I’m not sure of where to go from here? But I know that there are some feelings toward the friend that I can’t get rid of. Help?


My Dear Desirable,

Miz Fitz once had a torrid love affair with a handsome, black-clad crossing guard…but that is neither here nor there.

Clearly, your ex-boyfriend lacks the capacity to appreciate you. Uninterested? That is what lazy, unimaginative people say when they choose not to make the effort to understand something. “I’m just not interested in physics, dancing, dubstep, whatever,” is simply shorthand for “I don’t get it.”

Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t get you. What more proof do you need that he is a thoroughly tedious individual? Next time you help him cross the street, direct him into the path of a bus. He will find that to be a most interesting experience.

As for your fellow crossing guard, clearly he gets you. The question is, do you get him?

Monday, April 2, 2012

What's in YOUR Pocket?

Miz Fitz,

I'm really not sure how to put this but I kind of like one of my friends. Luke doesn't go to my school but we text a lot. When I saw him at Honor Choir we hung out a lot and we flirted, but at the concert he avoided me. He has a girlfriend but he has admitted to me that he still likes me and that is why he didn't talk to me. (we met in fifth grade and he liked me then.) He has also told me that he and his girlfriend are having troubles. I don't want to break up his relationship but What do I do?

—Always Single

Dear Single,

You know how some guys like cargo pants no matter how stupid they look? You know how they carry around umpteen things in all those pockets just in case they need to, say, repair a turbocharger or defuse a bomb? Well, some guys have virtual cargo pants where they keep their backup girls, just in case their existing girlfriend doesn’t work out. Those virtual cargo pockets are dark inside, and lonely.