Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Grilling

Dear Miz Fitz,
The interrogation every time I get home is unbelievable!  My mother is insane. 
“Who were you with?” “What did you do?” “Were there any drugs?”
I’m like, “Mom, we just went over to Wendy’s”
“Who is Wendy? I don’t know Wendy. How old is she? What school does she go to? Where does she live? What do her parents do? Does she have any tattoos or piercings? What religion is she?”
“Mom! We went to Wendy’s!  The restaurant?
But that doesn’t stop her: “Wendy’s? What did you have to eat? Not one of those horrible bacon cheese concoctions, I hope? Who were you with?  What did they eat?”
What should I do? What do you think of earplugs?
—Cain’t Take It No More

Dear Cain’t,
Miz Fitz is down with earplugs. She wears them often, as they can make most conversations far more interesting. For example, Miz Fitz was recently wearing her earplugs at the drugstore while purchasing a slightly embarrassing personal item when she heard the pharmacist say, “You are boring and frightful for heaven’s sake.”
Miz Fitz’s perfectly reasonable response seemed to shock the poor pharmacist.
It was not until she left the store that Miz Fitz realized the pharmacist had actually said something far less interesting: “Use it morning and night for seven days.”
Earplugs, most definitely. Life is too short for boring.

“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.” — Robert Frost

Saturday, February 25, 2012

They Will Never Know

Dear Miz Fitz,
My parents are leaving me home alone while they go to Cancun for five days. My boyfriend thinks I should throw a party while they’re gone. It sounds like fun and my parents would never know but I feel weird about it because they are making such a big deal out of how much they trust me. I am sixteen and I have never got in serious trouble. What do you think?
—Thinking About It

Dear It,
You are sixteen and have never gotten in trouble? Miz Fitz thinks it is about time! Why, only a few years ago she found herself in a similar situation. It was a great party!
Miz Fitz learned many things, including 1) Plate glass windows are very expensive to replace, 2) It is possible for a boy to projectile vomit with such force that it reaches the ceiling fan, and 3) Neighbors have a very low tolerance for dubstep after ten p.m. She also learned that her parents have no sense of humor when it comes to finding beer bottles and other used items under their bed.
You should definitely go for it. Think of the stories you will have to tell!

Bonus tip: A sprinkle of salt and some soda water will help lift wine or blood stains from carpeting.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Miz Fitz Gets Judgmental

Miz Fitz's mailbox has been quiet lately, so she wishes to take this opportunity to mention that her favorite author is a finalist for the Los Angeles Times Book Prize.

And now, on to today's question...

Dear Miz Fitz,
I have two boyfriends and—

Stop!  Miz Fitz notices that slutty behavior and its consequences seems to be becoming a theme here.  Is cheating on the rise?  Or is it something about this blog that attracts harlots, trollops, and floozies? Two boyfriends is one too many, or in your case perhaps two too many. Like the Nelson brothers.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

An Impertinent Question

Dear Miz Fitz,
You call this blog "What Boys Really Want," but mostly it’s about what girls want.  What’s up with that?
—Wants to Know

Dear Know,
Shut. Up.
Nyah nyah nyah nyah...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Blame it on the Hat

Dear Miz Fitz,
Lately, one of my aquantinces has been acting really awkard around her best friend (who just so happens to be a guy). Then, in her total awkwardness, she kind of broke up with her best friend (I have no idea why). Then, she started flirting with my cousin(who has a girlfriend). Now, she's been acting real friendly around my boyfriend. What the heck should I do!!
—Sombrero Lady 

In her attempt to understand your predicament, Miz Fitz has made a chart featuring the acquaintance, the best friend, the cousin, the girlfriend, the boyfriend, and a sombrero. Now she has the whirlies. Do you really wear a sombrero? That could be part of the problem. Miz Fitz is going with the sombrero. Get rid of the sombrero and everything else will sort itself out.

My Boyfriend's Back...Sort of

Dear Miz Fitz,
Thanks. Well My boyfriend came back, I broke up with him. But his best friend isn't talking to me cuz our parents dont want us talking. Looks like im going to be single on valentines day again.

—Miz Cunfuzed 

Les Miz,
Being single on Valentine's Day is not so bad. Buy yourself a single red rose, draw yourself a hot, bubbly bath, settle in with your favorite beverage, some weepy sweet background music, and a copy of Pride and Prejudice. That is what Miz Fitz plans to do. Enjoy.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Saintliness is Next to...Impossible

Eva Marie Saint
Dear Miz Fitz,

My mother is a saint. What should I do?


Dear Nota,

Start by making peace with the fact that you will never measure up to her. Then celebrate by doing something wicked and fun. Sainthood is not all it’s cracked up to be.
Roger Moore

Yves Saint Laurent