Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Friday, October 28, 2011


The usually parsimonious Miz Fitz is giving away a free Advance Reading Copy (ARC) of the highly entertaining novel “What Boys Really Want” to the reader who asks the best question during the month of November. The book will be signed by author Pete Hautman, and perhaps by Miz Fitz as well.

You may ask, How is the winner selected? First, you must submit a question. Click here to email Miz Fitz a question.

The winning question will be chosen by the subjective and highly discriminating Miz Fitz.

Here are two suggestions on how to be a winner:

1. You need not be clever or amusing. That is Miz Fitz’s job.
2. Extra points will be awarded for authenticity, or the illusion thereof.

•In case of a tie, Miz Fitz will ask her cat to select a winner.
•Your email address will not be published or sold to spammers.
•Your real name will be used only with your express permission.
•Because Miz Fitz has limited funds available for postage, the book can be shipped only to locations in the U.S. and Canada.

To enter Miz Fitz's contest and win a copy of What Boys Really Wantclick here.  

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Intelligence Quotient

Dear Miz Fitz,
I have a serious question. How important is intelligence in boys? I mean, this guy I’ve been seeing is lots of fun and really good-looking, but he’s not all that bright. Is that going to be a problem?

Dear Suzee,
Miz Fitz assumes that by “not all that bright,” you mean is somewhat less bright than you, but brighter than, say, an armadillo.  Rest assured, that is perfectly normal. The real question is, Can he be trained?
—The Perspicacious Miz Fitz

Friday, October 21, 2011

Rude Things Boys Say

When a boy says, “You give me a woody,” is that a compliment? Or just plain rude?

Miz Fitz sez:
Unless you happen to be trading action figures from “Toy Story,” Miz Fitz is going with “rude.” Not “just plain rude,” but rude with pickles, cheese, and extra sauce.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Morning Ordeal

Dear Miz Fitz,
My school is too far to walk to and I can’t get anybody to drive me so I have to take the bus and I don’t like it. 
—Reluctant Rider

Dear Reluctant,
What is it you don’t like about inserting yourself into a long, squarish metal tube with fifty or sixty random teenagers at O-dark-thirty in the morning?  Could it be that you do not enjoy the commingling of mango bodywash, perfume, sports deodorant and mystery hair product?  Miz Fitz recommends that you crack a window, and whatever you do, do not light a match.
—The Delicate Miz Fitz

Saturday, October 15, 2011


Dear Miz Fitz,
My mother bought me a pair of jeggings but I think they make my legs look fat.  If I try to take them back or refuse to wear them, she’ll just tell me I should lose weight. I don't know what to do!
—Pleasingly (except in jeggings) Plump

Dear Plump,
Miz Fitz loves people of all sizes and shapes, but she does not love people in jeggings.  In fact, she does not love anything in jeggings. Also, she does not love skorts or boxer thongs.
—The Always Stylish but Never Faddish Miz Fitz

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hobbit Girl

Dear Miz Fitz,
I have a head of lush, beautiful, auburn hair.  I am like a hair goddess.  Unfortunately, I also have hair on other parts of my body.  I don’t mind shaving my legs and pits—I mean, if I don’t, it’s sasquatch time—and of course there is the dreaded swimsuit season waxing.  But do boys really care if you shave your toes?

Dear Fuzz,
If you are writing from Middle Earth, the answer is No.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Boys and Their Cars

Dear Miz Fitz,
My boyfriend loves his car more than me. I wouldn’t mind except it’s a thirty-year-old Toyota. I can’t believe I’m jealous of a Toyota! I’m thinking about pouring sugar in his gas tank. What do you think?
—Second Car

Dear Car,
Destroying his one true love will not improve your situation. He will only go out and buy a thirty-year-old Honda, and you will be worse off than ever. In any case, a boy’s love for his vehicle is not, sadly, something you can change.
Regretfully, Miz Fitz

Friday, October 7, 2011

Insanely Great

Dear Miz Fitz,
Who cares about boys—I just bought the BEST shoes in the ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE!!!!

Miz Fitz suggests:
Less coffee, more lithium.

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.  —Sue Grafton

Monday, October 3, 2011

Conan the Barbarian

What he is thinking

Dear Miz Fitz,
This guy Conan called me a “toothsome wench,” so I hit him with my backpack.  He got really upset and said he was just paying me a compliment.  I’m not so sure.  What do you think?

Dear Anna,
It is impossible to say whether he meant it as a compliment, an insult, or a simple observation.  However, it is clear that he plays way too many sword and sorcery video games.  Bid the perfidious lewdster farewell.
—The Toothsome Miz Fitz

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Over-thinking the Male Mind

Dear Miz Fitz,
Last week I went over to my boyfriend’s. He was watching a football game.  I tried to get cuddly, but he kind of ignored me. When the game was over, he seemed really distant.  I told him I loved him, but he didn’t say anything back to me.  He just kept staring in the distance and acting like I wasn’t there. I had a feeling he was going to dump me. Right in the middle of me talking he turned on the TV again. So I got extra cuddly, and we ended up making out.  Then he fell asleep and I went home and cried for an hour. I think he must be bored with me.  Do you think he’s fallen in love with someone else?

Dear Sara,
Never make the mistake of crediting a boy with subtlety, intelligence or depth. Your boyfriend was probably thinking: Packers lost. I’m kinda tired. Girl talks a lot. Got me some nookie, though.
—Thoughtfully yours, Miz Fitz