Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

New World of Warcraft Technique

Dear Miz Fitz,

My best friend is a boy. Recently we were talking about WOWfest. (every year he and his friends would go over to one of their houses and play World of Warcraft for 24 hrs straight) Since we had all started playing together he asked me what day I could come over. He actually forgot I was a girl! I can't help but wonder if this is how all the guys in school see me. I never have been asked out but I thought it was just because of my, now graduated, older brother. Do the boys literally see me as one of the guys now?

From 1 of the girl/guys

Dear 1 girl,

First, Miz Fitz would like to know the gender of your primary WoW avatar. Female? Male? Other? If you chose one of the latter two answers, Miz Fitz cannot help you. If your avatar is female, perhaps you could arrange to enhance her breast size.* Of course, this will only help you in the virtual world. If you want to impress you real world girlness upon these unobservant troglodytes, you will first have to get them to stop playing World of Warcraft, which drains a boy’s romantic impulse like a sewer grate drains a flooded street. Do you know where the electrical box is in that house? There is a big lever on its side. Pull it.

* Miz Fitz has been informed that the breast size of WoW characters is not configurable. Oh well. Virtual reality is not all it's cracked up to be!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Love Tests

Dear Miz Fitz,

How do you know when a boy is in love with you ?


Katherine P.

Dearest Katherine,

You can never be certain where love is concerned. Here are two simple tests you can perform.*

Ask him. If he immediately says, “Yes,” you can be sure he’s lying and he only wants to investigate your undergarments. If he blushes and stammers but does not run away screaming, you are on the right track.

Offer him a taste of your lollipop, which has been in your mouth for some time. If he accepts, and does not run to the nearest water fountain to rinse it off, love may be a factor.

*Miz Fitz makes no guarantees—your mileage may vary. Good luck!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Too Many Boys? Buffalo Sex Ratios Provide a Clue!

Miz Fitz,

My class at school is about two thirds boys, but none of them show any interest in going out with me or any of my friends. We're getting really fed up with them. Is there anything we can do except knock some sense into them?

-Fed Up

Dear Fed,

Two-thirds boys?!?!?! Miz Fitz is both impressed and bemused.* So she hacked into the CIA database using a little-known web resource known as “Wikipedia” and discovered that the worldwide sex ratio in 2011 was 984 males born for every 1000 girls. You must live in Boyland. Congratulations! (Or should it be condolences? Miz Fitz thinks boys can be wonderful, but at the same time they can be the most irritating creatures on the planet.)

(Miz Fitz also learned from Wikipedia that buffaloes produce more male offspring when there is a lot of rain. Do you live in a rainy place? Are you a buffalo?)

While it is possible to “knock some sense” into a boy creature (buffalo or human), this usually works only after the boy creature has become besotted** with you. Miz Fitz believes your problem may have to do with the peculiar sex ratio in your school—too many boys can be just as bad as too few. To quote from a book she recently read called What Boys Really Want:

Like dogs, boys travel in packs. It is an ancient defense mechanism, and difficult to overcome. My recommendation is to follow the pack day and night, taking care to remain undercover, until you see him go off on his own. Then pounce.

In other words, break up the pack and corner one of them. Once he is separated from his friends, the boy may become vulnerable to your considerable charms. Good luck!

*Bemused: puzzled, confused, or bewildered.
** Besotted: 1. Strongly infatuated. 2. Drunk.