What is the Best Way to Attract a Boy?

Dear Mizfitz, I have a very serious problem that I hope you can help me with. I have this girlfriend and we have been friends for what seems  like fifty or so   years though that’s impossible because we are only , like fifteen. Anyway, we have always, for as long as we have known each other, which as I mentioned  seems like about 50 years, shared all kinds of things, you  know like feelings and stuff ( we used to share clothes but she never hung up  anything I gave her so, well, enough of that I thought). But to get back to where I started, we talked about  our boyfriend, our periods, feelings, and you know, whatever. But now I find out she’s keeping things from me and , you know,like  taunting me with what she knows and what I don’t know even though she knows this  drives me crazy and makes me want to smack her upside the head or  across Lake Elmo  though I am not really a violent person and am, in fact, one of those Pacificists. But  now I feel we have issues, you know? Like intimacy issues? Or trust? The thing is, she says I will find out what she knows I want to know in a few weeks if I just watch her boyfriend’s website. Sure, like I should have to spend day and night watching this guy’s website when I have my own business to take care of? And trust me, I really like her boyfriend and wouldn’t mind catching him myself if she should tire of him. After all, she won’t be 15 forever and who is to say that she will look so great when she’s 60? Some people think she can get a lot of milage off her hair but, personally, I think those curls are over rated. But maybe he thinks I can’t keep a secret even though my friends all know I am like a VAULT! Tell me to zip the lip and it is zipped. So what should I do ? Dump her? Grovel? Forget that! I really hope you can help me because I am about to EXPLODE and that can’t be good, even for a 15 year old. Angie

The Hamburger Dress

Wow, Angie, Miz Fitz is impressed that you were able to smuggle this missive out of that locked ward. She has read it several times now, and is even more befuddled than before. So, because this is election season, Miz Fitz is going to answer your question by ignoring it completely and talking about an entirely different subject, to wit, "What is the Best Way to Attract a Boy?" Miz Fitz is very excited to have found the perfect killer outfit, guaranteed to make any boy drool with lustful anticipation. She loves the sesame seed detailing. Miz Fitz has ordered several for her wardrobe.