Getting There

I can’t believe I’m even writing to you!

Miz Fitz, I’m in what feels like my own confusion. My boyfriend just dumped me and the only answer he gave was that he was uninterested in me. What? I’ve heard of being uninterested in things, toys, books, but people? Really? I think the real reason is because I’ve been spending some time with his best friend. We are both on the Dean’s list at my school, they make us stand outside and direct traffic like we’re safety patrols. They feel that we’re responsible enough to do things without anyone watching us. Apparently my ex didn’t think so. Lately his friend has been a super gentleman, picking up my bookbags, walking me to my classes, he won’t even say goodbye without a hug from me. I’m not sure of where to go from here? But I know that there are some feelings toward the friend that I can’t get rid of. Help?

— Undesirable

My Dear Desirable,

Miz Fitz once had a torrid love affair with a handsome, black-clad crossing guard…but that is neither here nor there.

Clearly, your ex-boyfriend lacks the capacity to appreciate you. Uninterested? That is what lazy, unimaginative people say when they choose not to make the effort to understand something. “I’m just not interested in physics, dancing, dubstep, whatever,” is simply shorthand for “I don’t get it.”

Your ex-boyfriend doesn’t get you. What more proof do you need that he is a thoroughly tedious individual? Next time you help him cross the street, direct him into the path of a bus. He will find that to be a most interesting experience.

As for your fellow crossing guard, clearly he gets you. The question is, do you get him?

What's in YOUR Pocket?

Miz Fitz,

I'm really not sure how to put this but I kind of like one of my friends. Luke doesn't go to my school but we text a lot. When I saw him at Honor Choir we hung out a lot and we flirted, but at the concert he avoided me. He has a girlfriend but he has admitted to me that he still likes me and that is why he didn't talk to me. (we met in fifth grade and he liked me then.) He has also told me that he and his girlfriend are having troubles. I don't want to break up his relationship but What do I do?

—Always Single

Dear Single,

You know how some guys like cargo pants no matter how stupid they look? You know how they carry around umpteen things in all those pockets just in case they need to, say, repair a turbocharger or defuse a bomb? Well, some guys have virtual cargo pants where they keep their backup girls, just in case their existing girlfriend doesn’t work out. Those virtual cargo pockets are dark inside, and lonely.

Miz Fitz has been Detained

Miz Fitz apologizes for her recent and prolonged absence for this blog. However, it was not her fault! Miz Fitz was occupied with matters of an Important Personal Nature.

What could be more important than keeping her blog up to date, you ask? Miz Fitz was stalking her ex-boyfriend, whom we shall call Ned, when the feces hit the fan, as it were.

You see, Miz Fitz is a kindly soul who does not want to see her ex-guy fall into the clutches of a shameless hussy, and she happened to be outside his bedroom window checking for same when her faithless ex CALLED THE POLICE ON HER. Can you believe it?

Well, there was Quite a Scene when the police arrived, and through no fault of her own, Miz Fitz was incarcerated in a locked ward at Fairview Hospital where she was poked, prodded, questioned, and forced to ingest various and sundry medications. Miz Fitz was livid, to say the least!

Fortunately, Miz Fitz was able to contact her attorney, and she is now free and back at her desk, ready to provide thoughtful advice on how to handle matters of the heart. And although no one has asked, she is happy to offer this timeless and valuable tip: When the police attempt to detain you, refrain from biting. Police officers, when bitten, can become most unreasonable.

Sexist, Rude, Silly, and Lewd

Dear Miz Fitz,

My mom read your blog and she says you are sexist and rude. She also said that book you recommend, What Boys Really Want, looks silly and lewd. What do you think about that?

—Darla

 

Dear Darla,

Your mother is being a typical hysterical woman. If Miz Fitz ever meets her, she will make an obscene gesture and flounce off in a Fitzy huff. Furthermore, What Boys Really Want is vulgar, idiotic fun.

So you see, your mother is technically correct on all counts: Miz Fitz is, in fact, sexist and rude, and the book in question is silly and lewd.

Now…what was your question?

The Grilling

Dear Miz Fitz,

The interrogation every time I get home is unbelievable!  My mother is insane. 

“Who were you with?” “What did you do?” “Were there any drugs?”

I’m like, “Mom, we just went over to Wendy’s”

“Who is Wendy? I don’t know Wendy. How old is she? What school does she go to? Where does she live? What do her parents do? Does she have any tattoos or piercings? What religion is she?”

“Mom! We went to Wendy’s!  The restaurant?”

But that doesn’t stop her: “Wendy’s? What did you have to eat? Not one of those horrible bacon cheese concoctions, I hope? Who were you with?  What did they eat?”

What should I do? What do you think of earplugs?

—Cain’t Take It No More

Dear Cain’t,

Miz Fitz is down with earplugs. She wears them often, as they can make most conversations far more interesting. For example, Miz Fitz was recently wearing her earplugs at the drugstore while purchasing a slightly embarrassing personal item when she heard the pharmacist say, “You are boring and frightful for heaven’s sake.”

Miz Fitz’s perfectly reasonable response seemed to shock the poor pharmacist.

It was not until she left the store that Miz Fitz realized the pharmacist had actually said something far less interesting: “Use it morning and night for seven days.”

Earplugs, most definitely. Life is too short for boring.

“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.” — Robert Frost