The Inside Scoop on Boxer Briefs

Dear Miz Fitz,

My boyfriend is kind, attentive, funny, honest, and extremely hot, but he is a cheapskate. He worries constantly about getting robbed, even though we live in a smallish town where no one has been robbed in like twenty years. He always has money, but he keeps his wallet inside his boxer briefs, which is very inconvenient, not to mention gross. Sometimes I pay for stuff just because I don’t want him sticking his hand down there. How can I get him to change?

—Squeamy

Dear Squeamy,

Miz Fitz is appalled, although she does approve of boxer briefs in principle. You might try applying a small quantity of pepper spray to the outside of his wallet, which will give urgent new meaning to the term “hot pants.”

Living on Imperfect World

Dear Miz Fitz,

I have a boyfriend that has been gone for over 3 months without any contact. (long story... his parents are psycho) So I kinda got close to his best friend. And now I can tell I am falling for him. I already knew I wanted to break up with my boyfriend for a while, but isn't it messed up to date his best friend? And couldn't I ruin their friendship?

-Miz Cunfuzed

  

Dear Cunfuzed,

In Perfect World, your potential new boyfriend would go his best friend (your ex) and as him if it would be okay for him to ask you out, and your ex would say “Yes,” because we are in Perfect World for the moment. In Perfect World you would not have to deal with all this uncertainty and guilt. Unfortunately, you seem to be living in Imperfect World (as is Miz Fitz), which requires risk-taking and awkwardness and insane plunges into the unknown. Three months is long enough. Your ex and his BF will probably be fine. Go for it.

Don't worry, this probably won't happen.

Of course, you may find yourself in the midst of an unpleasant drama, in which case you may solicit additional advice from Miz Fitz, who thrives on conflict and misery. 

Love Triangles and Other Polygons

Dodecagon of Love

Dear Miz Fitz,

There's this guy at school who's really cool and nice, and I really like him. The thing is he's already dating my friend. I would feel really bad if she got hurt, only I can't get him out of my mind. Should I just forget about him?

—HH

Mix Fitz loves a good Love Triangle. She also loves to hear about Love Rectangles, Love Pentagons, Love Dodecagons, and other potentially dangerous polygons, such as those described in What Boys Really Want (the book). She does not, however, enjoy being a party to such potentially dangerous geometries.

Of course, “forget about him” is not an option, unless you have the ability to Jedi mind-trick yourself. Miz Fitz suggests a wait-and-see strategy. Study the situation carefully. Take notes. Is he a vampire? Will their love last? If they break up, and you want to stay friends with your friend, how long must you wait to pounce? (Rule of Thumb: If she breaks up with him, wait at least three months. If he gives her the heave-ho, you may have to wait three lifetimes.)

Feng Shui Facial

Dear Miz Fitz,

I’ve been seeing this guy who is really nice but kind of weird looking because of this thing on his nose.  I’ve been trying to get him to have it cut it off, but he has like this pathological fear of surgery and he says I should just love him for who he is. I do love him, but when I look at him all I see is the “thing.”

—Sally

Dear Sally,

Miz Fitz would like to thank you for not including a photo of the “thing.” Your problem is more common than you might think. Miz Fitz once dated a boy who wore a nose ring, and she could not look at him without examining the ring for wayward flecks of smutz. It was, to say the least, distracting. In a last ditch effort to save the relationship, Miz Fitz removed nose ring with perhaps greater than necessary force. Miz Fitz cannot recommend this technique, as it may lead to tears and bleeding. Instead, you may wish to investigate the many attractive band aids now available.

If the "thing" is too large to be concealed by a band aid, you may wish to consider a balaclava.

Help! My Son is on Drugs!

Dear Miz Fitz,

I am probably older than most of your readers, but I have a serious problem and I need your youthful-but-wise-beyond-your-years help. I recently came across a bag of dried plant material in the bottom of my 15-year-old son's sock drawer. I just knew it was marijuana! (I have attached a picture.)

Just to make sure it was pot, I rolled some up in a piece of paper and smoked it. I never want to do that again! It was awful! I had a headache for hours! I don't understand why kids smoke that awful stuff! Yuck!

Here is my question: what should I do? I know I have to talk to him about it, but I don't know what to say.

—Frightened and Bewildered Mom


Dear Mom,

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN YOUR SON'S DRESSER DRAWERS???? Okay, never mind. Miz Fitz understands that mothers engage in insane behavior from time to time. As for your son's drug habit, you may relax. You smoked his potpourri. 

The question you must deal with now is this: why would a 15-year-old boy have potpourri in his sock drawer? Miz Fitz will have to get back to you on that.

Bonding through Bacon

This was originally a picture of a pound of bacon, but
it was making Miz Fitz a bit queasy,
so she replaced it with this lovely little ducking

Dear Miz Fitz,

I am a vegetarian (except for bacon), but my boyfriend eats about two pounds of meat a day (mostly hamburgers) and no vegetables. This is a problem because sometimes I think he smells like dead cows and it grosses me out. How can I get him to back off on the burgers?

—Karalyn

In the original post, this was a picture of GROUND bacon (gross!)
The kitten is ever so much nicer, Don't you think?

Dear Karalyn,

Coming between a boy and his burgers is an enterprise fraught with peril. Your only hope is to exploit your common interest in bacon. Miz Fitz is no cook, but you could try this: Grind up a pound of bacon, form it into patties, and fry it like a hamburger. That way you can enjoy a greasy meal together, and instead of him reeking of dead cow, you will both smell wonderfully bacony. If that works out, you might slip a leaf of lettuce into his next baconburger and see how it goes. In time, you may find yourself serving BLTs at your wedding reception.

New Year's Resolutions

Dear Miz Fitz,

I made a list of ten New Year's resolutions and I already broke three of them. I feel terrible. Am I a bad person?

—Guiltridden


Dear Guilt,

The problem might not be you, but your resolutions. Did your list include lose weight, get straight "A"s, and stop acting bitchy? If so, you are doomed to fail.

Miz Fitz has her own list, which she would like to share:

Miz Fitz's 2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Dream
4. Love

These are achievable goals. If you want to feel good about yourself, set the bar low.

We Have a Winner!

It is too cold for the official Choosing Hat, so Miz Fitz wrote down the names of all the December questioners on tiny slips of paper and put them into her Inclement Weather Hat. The slips were stirred and shaken, and one lucky winner was chosen.


Congratulations, Ms UGLY!  Your signed copy of What Boys Really Want will ship as soon as you Send Miz Fitz your mailing address.