Miz Fitz Professes to Know All!

Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Truth About Santa Claus

Dear Miz Fitz,
My little sister, Chayna, is asking questions about Santa Claus. She is worried that he won't come to our house because we don't have a fireplace. Also, she saw two different-looking Santas at two different malls, and she wants to know how many Santas there are. Chayna is four years old. What should I tell her?

Dear Trish,
Even if you had a fireplace, Chayna might wonder how Santa squeezes his considerable bulk through that tiny flue. The girl is clearly an analytical thinker, and Miz Fitz likes her. Tell her only what is true: Santa Claus is a large elf with superpowers.  He can compress himself and his bag of gifts into a tiny node, and thereby enter any home, whether through the chimney, the furnace, of the crack under your front door. Santa can also split himself into an infinite number of avatars, he can stop time, and when children reach a certain age, he can mind trick them into thinking he does not exist. The only thing Santa can't do is marry himself—at least not in 46 states.

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