GET A FREE BOOK

The usually parsimonious Miz Fitz is giving away a free Advance Reading Copy (ARC) of the highly entertaining novel “What Boys Really Want” to the reader who asks the best question during the month of November. The book will be signed by author Pete Hautman, and perhaps by Miz Fitz as well.

You may ask, How is the winner selected? First, you must submit a question. Click here to email Miz Fitz a question.


The winning question will be chosen by the subjective and highly discriminating Miz Fitz.

Here are two suggestions on how to be a winner:

1. You need not be clever or amusing. That is Miz Fitz’s job.

2. Extra points will be awarded for authenticity, or the illusion thereof.

•In case of a tie, Miz Fitz will ask her cat to select a winner.

•Your email address will not be published or sold to spammers.

•Your real name will be used only with your express permission.

•Because Miz Fitz has limited funds available for postage, the book can be shipped only to locations in the U.S. and Canada.


To enter Miz Fitz's contest and win a copy of What Boys Really Want, click here.  

The Intelligence Quotient

Dear Miz Fitz,

I have a serious question. How important is intelligence in boys? I mean, this guy I’ve been seeing is lots of fun and really good-looking, but he’s not all that bright. Is that going to be a problem?

—Suzee

Dear Suzee,

Miz Fitz assumes that by “not all that bright,” you mean is somewhat less bright than you, but brighter than, say, an armadillo.  Rest assured, that is perfectly normal. The real question is, Can he be trained?

—The Perspicacious Miz Fitz

Rude Things Boys Say

When a boy says, “You give me a woody,” is that a compliment? Or just plain rude?

—BopBop

Miz Fitz sez:

Unless you happen to be trading action figures from “Toy Story,” Miz Fitz is going with “rude.” Not “just plain rude,” but rude with pickles, cheese, and extra sauce.

The Morning Ordeal

Dear Miz Fitz,

My school is too far to walk to and I can’t get anybody to drive me so I have to take the bus and I don’t like it. 

—Reluctant Rider

Dear Reluctant,

What is it you don’t like about inserting yourself into a long, squarish metal tube with fifty or sixty random teenagers at O-dark-thirty in the morning?  Could it be that you do not enjoy the commingling of mango bodywash, perfume, sports deodorant and mystery hair product?  Miz Fitz recommends that you crack a window, and whatever you do, do not light a match.

—The Delicate Miz Fitz

Jeans+Leggings=Fail

Dear Miz Fitz,

My mother bought me a pair of jeggings but I think they make my legs look fat.  If I try to take them back or refuse to wear them, she’ll just tell me I should lose weight. I don't know what to do!

—Pleasingly (except in jeggings) Plump

Dear Plump,

Miz Fitz loves people of all sizes and shapes, but she does not love people in jeggings.  In fact, she does not love anything in jeggings. Also, she does not love skorts or boxer thongs.

—The Always Stylish but Never Faddish Miz Fitz

Hobbit Girl

Dear Miz Fitz,

I have a head of lush, beautiful, auburn hair.  I am like a hair goddess.  Unfortunately, I also have hair on other parts of my body.  I don’t mind shaving my legs and pits—I mean, if I don’t, it’s sasquatch time—and of course there is the dreaded swimsuit season waxing.  But do boys really care if you shave your toes?

—Fuzzy

Dear Fuzz,

If you are writing from Middle Earth, the answer is No.

Boys and Their Cars

Dear Miz Fitz,

My boyfriend loves his car more than me. I wouldn’t mind except it’s a thirty-year-old Toyota. I can’t believe I’m jealous of a Toyota! I’m thinking about pouring sugar in his gas tank. What do you think?

—Second Car

Dear Car,

Destroying his one true love will not improve your situation. He will only go out and buy a thirty-year-old Honda, and you will be worse off than ever. In any case, a boy’s love for his vehicle is not, sadly, something you can change.

Regretfully, Miz Fitz

Insanely Great

Dear Miz Fitz,

Who cares about boys—I just bought the BEST shoes in the ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE!!!!
—Squeeeeeeeeeee!


Miz Fitz suggests:
Less coffee, more lithium.






If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.  —Sue Grafton

Wrathlust Wednesday

Conan the Barbarian

What he is thinking

Dear Miz Fitz,

This guy Conan called me a “toothsome wench,” so I hit him with my backpack.  He got really upset and said he was just paying me a compliment.  I’m not so sure.  What do you think?

—Anna

Dear Anna,

It is impossible to say whether he meant it as a compliment, an insult, or a simple observation.  However, it is clear that he plays way too many sword and sorcery video games.  Bid the perfidious lewdster farewell.

—The Toothsome Miz Fitz

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

-Dolly Parton

Over-thinking the Male Mind

Dear Miz Fitz,

Last week I went over to my boyfriend’s. He was watching a football game.  I tried to get cuddly, but he kind of ignored me. When the game was over, he seemed really distant.  I told him I loved him, but he didn’t say anything back to me.  He just kept staring in the distance and acting like I wasn’t there. I had a feeling he was going to dump me. Right in the middle of me talking he turned on the TV again. So I got extra cuddly, and we ended up making out.  Then he fell asleep and I went home and cried for an hour. I think he must be bored with me.  Do you think he’s fallen in love with someone else?

—Sara

Dear Sara,

Never make the mistake of crediting a boy with subtlety, intelligence or depth. Your boyfriend was probably thinking: Packers lost. I’m kinda tired. Girl talks a lot. Got me some nookie, though.

—Thoughtfully yours, Miz Fitz

He Calls It Stalking, I Call It Love

Dear Miz Fitz,

When do you just say to hell with it, and give up?

—Unrequited

Miz Fitz sez:

Not until he gets a restraining order.

Speaking of the Caveman Diet...

Dear Miz Fitz,

I am attracted to boys who do dangerous things. Is that wrong?

—Victoria

Dear Victoria,

Genetically speaking, you are drawn to such boys in hopes that they will return to the cave with a fat, tasty mastodon. Far better to have a danger-loving boyfriend than to perform such hazardous tasks on your own.

—Miz Fitz, who prefers her mastadon rare, but not extinct.  Alas.

The Truth About Sexy English Teachers

Dear Miz Fitz,

My English teacher is so hot I can’t hear a word he says, so when he calls on me I’m like, “Huh?” and then I turn all red and stuff.  This is a serious problem.  I think about him all the time, and I am flunking his class.  Help!

—Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

Miz Fitz gets a lot of letters about “hot” English teachers, sometimes with photos attached.  Ladies, here is some news: Your English teachers are not all that hot. 

However, in her tender youth, Miz Fitz once had a seven second crush on Justin Bieber, so she understands the whole irrational fascination thing.  As for flunking, you need to hire a tutor. Preferably a cute tutor who is less than twice your age.

—Miz Bieber.  I mean, Fitz.

Policy Alert

 Miz Fitz has a rule against allowing certain offensive words to appear on her blog. Here is the official list of forbidden words: Bilious, Dingle, Knockwurst, Nubble, Purile, Wriggle, Shiznit, Snuck, Vascular, Yoinking.

Thank you for your consideration.

—Fitz

Unless you want to get your car keyed...again

Miz Fitz, Help!

A few months ago I slept with my boyfriend’s best friend. It was just a one-time thing, but the guilt is killing me. Should I fess up?

—Guilty

Miz Fitz sez:

Keep your slutty mouth SHUT. 

The Key to Love

Dear Miz Fitz,

My boyfriend broke up with me when he heard that I’d been making out with this friend of his (true, but it wasn’t serious), then he called me some really creepy names and stuff, and majorly keyed my mom’s car, and then told my all my friends I was a skanky ho.  That was two weeks ago, and now he’s all like, “I’m So Sorry,” and he wants to get back together but my mom won’t let me go out with him until he pays for having her car repainted.  What do you think?

—Crazee in Love

Dear Crazee,

Miz Fitz thinks you two should elope and emigrate to Tierra del Fuego, wherever that is.

She's Got Mail

Miz Fitz has returned to find a veritable mountain of Important Questions from her Dear Readers.  Here, in no particular order, are some samples:

Dear Miz Fitz,

Did you have a nice vacation?  Did you have fun?  Did you get sunburned?  Did you meet any boys? 

Dear Miz Fitz,

Is it possible to love two guys at the same time?

Dear Miz Fitz,

Sometimes I get so mad at my boyfriend I just want to claw his eyes out.  Is that a sign of true love?

Miz Fitz sez:

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yikes.

Out-of-Office Alert

Miz Fitz is taking a well-deserved vacation.  If you need advice between now and next Friday, you must rely upon your friends, whose advice Miz Fitz advises you to take with a grain of salt, if at all.


Most people who ask for advice from others have already resolved to act as it pleases them. —Khalil Gibran

"F" is for Friday

Miz Fitz,

I am one of those Y-chromosome types you like to rag on, but I have a serious question. Why don’t girls just say what they want instead of beating around the bush? I mean, what is it with all the hints and suggestions and stuff? If you don’t want to watch wrestling on TV again, just say so!

—Frustrated Male

My Dear Y-Chromosomer,

This has been a test of your emotional intelligence. It seems you have failed.

—Miz Fitz, XX

Oh Yeah, and Testosterone

I was wondering, Miz Fitz,

Why do boys punch each other?

—Perplexed

Miz Fitz sez:

Boys "punch" because they have not evolved venomous fangs, talons, stingers, clubbed tails, tusks, hooves, or noxious sprays with which to injure one another.






A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. —Emo Phillips

It's Wrathlust Wednesday Again

Miz Fitz's Spiritual Advisor (her therapist) has suggested that her novel-writing efforts reveal a good deal of suppressed anger, angst, and anomie. Miz Fitz does not disagree.

 

The Things We Do For Love

Dear Miz Fitz,

This guy I like smokes, therefore he reeks. I feel like I either have to start smoking too, or dump him. But I can’t live without him.  Can you recommend a good brand of cigarette?
—Princess Dilemma


Dear Di,
Miz Fitz rather likes (cough) these.

The Inner Nerd

Hi Miz Fitz,

I am sort of nerdy and most of my friends are nerds or geeks, too, but this one guy I really really like is not nerdy at all. Do not-nerdy boys ever go for nerdy girls? Do I need a makeover?

—Nerdelicious

Dear Nerd,

Makeovers are way overrated. Eventually, you always slump back to the person you used to be. I suggest you find this guy’s inner nerd. All boys have one.

—The Often Nerdy Miz Fitz

I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right? - Willow, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Godot! Call Me!

Dear Miz Fitz,

If a boy says he’s going to call you and then he doesn’t, how long should you wait before texting him?

—Four Days Seventeen Hours and Counting

Dear Four,

Scientists say that the universe will end in approximately a kajillion bazillion years.  Text him then.

—Miz Fitz, who Waits for No One

Travel Advisory

Dear Miz Fitz,

How do you know when you’ve gone too far?

—Thinking About It Constantly

My Dear, Sweet, Innocent It,

You have gone too far when you can’t get back.  Unless, of course, you find yourself where you want to be, in which case you have gone just far enough.

—The Rarely Rueful Miz Fitz

Wrathlust Wednesday

Having received thousands of requests for more titillating prose from my purple gothic romance novel, "Wrathlust Hollow, Miz Fitz (aka Carmelita Woldstonecraft) feels obliged to oblige.

Miz Fitz is Very Upset!

All of Miz Fitz's delightful and informative posts are now displaying out of their proper order, and several seem to be MIA.  You can still find many of them on the "Popular Posts" at right, but Miz Fitz is wondering...was it her brief foray into Blogger's "updated interface" that triggered the tragedy?  Will this horrific development self-correct?  Does this signal the End of Civilization as she knew it?  Is blogging dead?

If you are reading this and you are a boy, congratulations!

Dear Miz Fitz,

Can you tell if a guy is any good by what he reads?

—Bookworm

Miz Fitz sez:

Why certainly!  You may assign points as follows:

STOP sign = 1 point.

Mad Magazine = 2 points

The Astonishing X-Men = 3 points

Any book with no pictures = 4 points

Entire Harry Potter series = 5 points.

Foreign movie subtitles = 6 points

Wrathlust Hollow = 7 points

Rebecca = 8 points

Seventeen page letter written by you = 9 points

Miz Fitz’s blog = 10 points.

Pride and Prejudice = Marry Me.

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. —Erica Jong

Miz Fitz Gets Low-Tech

Dear Miz Fitz,

This guy I’m going out with uses this deodorant or cologne or something that makes me sneeze, like, constantly.  Is this a superglue situation?

—Achoo

Achoo,

On the advice of her attorney, Miz Fitz is no longer recommending high-tech adhesives. Consider the lowly clothespin.

—MF

Goodyear Makes Blimps, Too

 Miz Fitz,

Why are boys obsessed with breasts?

—A Cup

Miz Fitz Sez:

Boys are mostly obsessed with themselves. However, it is true that guys can’t help gawking at cleavage. They like looking at monster trucks, too. That doesn’t mean they want one filling up their driveway.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. —Dave Barry