Feng Shui Facial

Dear Miz Fitz,

I’ve been seeing this guy who is really nice but kind of weird looking because of this thing on his nose.  I’ve been trying to get him to have it cut it off, but he has like this pathological fear of surgery and he says I should just love him for who he is. I do love him, but when I look at him all I see is the “thing.”

—Sally

Dear Sally,

Miz Fitz would like to thank you for not including a photo of the “thing.” Your problem is more common than you might think. Miz Fitz once dated a boy who wore a nose ring, and she could not look at him without examining the ring for wayward flecks of smutz. It was, to say the least, distracting. In a last ditch effort to save the relationship, Miz Fitz removed nose ring with perhaps greater than necessary force. Miz Fitz cannot recommend this technique, as it may lead to tears and bleeding. Instead, you may wish to investigate the many attractive band aids now available.

If the "thing" is too large to be concealed by a band aid, you may wish to consider a balaclava.

Help! My Son is on Drugs!

Dear Miz Fitz,

I am probably older than most of your readers, but I have a serious problem and I need your youthful-but-wise-beyond-your-years help. I recently came across a bag of dried plant material in the bottom of my 15-year-old son's sock drawer. I just knew it was marijuana! (I have attached a picture.)

Just to make sure it was pot, I rolled some up in a piece of paper and smoked it. I never want to do that again! It was awful! I had a headache for hours! I don't understand why kids smoke that awful stuff! Yuck!

Here is my question: what should I do? I know I have to talk to him about it, but I don't know what to say.

—Frightened and Bewildered Mom


Dear Mom,

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN YOUR SON'S DRESSER DRAWERS???? Okay, never mind. Miz Fitz understands that mothers engage in insane behavior from time to time. As for your son's drug habit, you may relax. You smoked his potpourri. 

The question you must deal with now is this: why would a 15-year-old boy have potpourri in his sock drawer? Miz Fitz will have to get back to you on that.

Bonding through Bacon

This was originally a picture of a pound of bacon, but
it was making Miz Fitz a bit queasy,
so she replaced it with this lovely little ducking

Dear Miz Fitz,

I am a vegetarian (except for bacon), but my boyfriend eats about two pounds of meat a day (mostly hamburgers) and no vegetables. This is a problem because sometimes I think he smells like dead cows and it grosses me out. How can I get him to back off on the burgers?

—Karalyn

In the original post, this was a picture of GROUND bacon (gross!)
The kitten is ever so much nicer, Don't you think?

Dear Karalyn,

Coming between a boy and his burgers is an enterprise fraught with peril. Your only hope is to exploit your common interest in bacon. Miz Fitz is no cook, but you could try this: Grind up a pound of bacon, form it into patties, and fry it like a hamburger. That way you can enjoy a greasy meal together, and instead of him reeking of dead cow, you will both smell wonderfully bacony. If that works out, you might slip a leaf of lettuce into his next baconburger and see how it goes. In time, you may find yourself serving BLTs at your wedding reception.

New Year's Resolutions

Dear Miz Fitz,

I made a list of ten New Year's resolutions and I already broke three of them. I feel terrible. Am I a bad person?

—Guiltridden


Dear Guilt,

The problem might not be you, but your resolutions. Did your list include lose weight, get straight "A"s, and stop acting bitchy? If so, you are doomed to fail.

Miz Fitz has her own list, which she would like to share:

Miz Fitz's 2012 New Year's Resolutions

1. Eat
2. Sleep
3. Dream
4. Love

These are achievable goals. If you want to feel good about yourself, set the bar low.

We Have a Winner!

It is too cold for the official Choosing Hat, so Miz Fitz wrote down the names of all the December questioners on tiny slips of paper and put them into her Inclement Weather Hat. The slips were stirred and shaken, and one lucky winner was chosen.


Congratulations, Ms UGLY!  Your signed copy of What Boys Really Want will ship as soon as you Send Miz Fitz your mailing address.

Last Chance to Win a Free Book!

Dear Miz Fitz,
I have been trying all month to come up with a good question, but it's really hard!
—Fail


Dear Fail,
Miz Fitz feels your pain. But she has a suggestion: Simply phrase your lament as a question, and throw in a gratuitous holiday reference.  Thusly:


Dear Miz Fitz,
I have been trying all month to come up with a good question, but it's really hard! What should I do?
—Kwanzaa


Dear Kwanzaa,
Thank you for your very interesting question! Miz Fitz is both sympathetic and impressed by your compelling phrasing! You are now entered in the drawing. Ta-da!

There are only hours left to enter! Win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want!  Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good (see above). Winner will be announced on January 1.

The Most Awkward of Gifts

Dear Miz Fitz,

This guy I know who’s a friend, but not like a boyfriend or even anybody I want to go out with, gave me this expensive necklace for Christmas, and I feel really weird about it. My mom says I should give it back, but that would feel weird too. What should I do? It’s a really nice necklace.
—Ambi Valent

Dear Ambi,

Welcome to the Seven Levels of Guilt. First, you must accept that no matter what you do, it will be excruciatingly awkward for the next forty years. If you keep the necklace, he will have Expectations. He will want to go out with you. If you say yes, you will have to endure the most uncomfortable date of your life, and you will both regret it. If you say no, he will sink into a morass of seething resentment that will last his entire lifetime.  If you give the necklace back to him, he will feel stupid and you will feel guilty and you will avoid each other every day until one of you moves to Bogzillia.

Miz Fitz suggests that, since there are no happy alternatives, you send the necklace to her.

Please enter Miz Fitz's December book giveaway! To win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want, send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

Christmas Wish List

So Miz Fitz, what do you want for Christmas?
—Misty Poodle

Dear Misty,

Miz Fitz thinks that you have waited until the last minute to plan your Christmas shopping, but she understands. As for what she wants, Miz Fitz would be pleased to receive any of the following three items via FedEx overnight. Saturday delivery is acceptable.

• A Magic Door. Miz Fitz has always coveted a Magic Door, preferably one with a dial that will allow her to select from an infinite number of destinations. 

• Peace on Earth. Yes, such a planet might be a rather boring place, but Miz Fitz is willing to deal with such a consequence.

• A Higgs Boson. And a small bejeweled box in which to keep it.

• And a Happy Solstice to All!


Please enter Miz Fitz's December book giveaway! To win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want, send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

E-Cards: Is There Joy in Pixels?

Dear Miz Fitz,
What to you think about e-cards for the holidays? My friend says they are rude.
—Mis-Mannered


Dear Mis,
Miz Fitz likes to show off how many friends she has by creating a greeting card display over her bookshelf. When she receives an e-card, she must print it out and trim it to size. Miz Fitz appreciates e-cards, and she does not think they are rude, but they are most certainly inconvenient.



Please enter Miz Fitz's December book giveaway! To win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want, send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

Holiday in Bogzillia

Dear Miz Fitz:

Is my birthday, November 3^rd, really a holiday or is my mother just trying to get me to stop whining?  I hope this qualifies as a holiday-related question.
Sincerely,
Diane

Dear Diane,
November third is indeed a holiday! Not only is it your birthday, it is the anniversary of the death of Saint Boggs, who drove the naked mole rats out of Bogzillia in 1642. How nice for you that your mother chose to give birth to you on that day!
As for your mother's intentions, it depends on how loudly and for how long you whine. There is nothing parents hate more than whining, but the fact is, it works. Doing the dishes might get you a pat on the head, but whining will get you a ride to the mall.


Win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want!  Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and be entered to win.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

The Truth About Santa Claus

Dear Miz Fitz,
My little sister, Chayna, is asking questions about Santa Claus. She is worried that he won't come to our house because we don't have a fireplace. Also, she saw two different-looking Santas at two different malls, and she wants to know how many Santas there are. Chayna is four years old. What should I tell her?
—Trish


Dear Trish,
Even if you had a fireplace, Chayna might wonder how Santa squeezes his considerable bulk through that tiny flue. The girl is clearly an analytical thinker, and Miz Fitz likes her. Tell her only what is true: Santa Claus is a large elf with superpowers.  He can compress himself and his bag of gifts into a tiny node, and thereby enter any home, whether through the chimney, the furnace, of the crack under your front door. Santa can also split himself into an infinite number of avatars, he can stop time, and when children reach a certain age, he can mind trick them into thinking he does not exist. The only thing Santa can't do is marry himself—at least not in 46 states.


Win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want!  Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and be entered to win.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

Miz Fitz on Marriage

Dear Miz Fitz,
Actually, I don't have a real question, but want to enter your contest, so how do you feel about gay marriage Santa Claus marriage?
—Send Me a Book


Dear Send,
Only holiday-related questions are eligible for the contest, but Miz Fitz is feeling generous, so she has taken the liberty of editing your question. Hope that's okay.
As for Miz Fitz's feelings, she does not understand what all the fuss is about.


Win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want!  Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and be entered to win.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

If Miz Fitz posts it on the Internet, does that not make it true?

Miz Fitz!
I am very upset with you. That photo you said was Angelina Jolie was NOT ANGELINA JOLIE!!! In fact, I'm pretty sure it was actually Marilyn Manson. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
—Disappointed


Dear Disappointed,
Ha ha, you have caught Miz Fitz in her little joke.  Miz Fitz has also received communications from both Angelina's and Marilyn's attorneys. They have asked her to post a correction. Since Miz Fitz is terrified of lawyers, she has agreed to do so.  Here is a photo of Angelina Jolie as she appeared in the ninth grade. You read it on the internet, so it must be true.


Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and be entered to win a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want.  The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good. Winner will be announced on January 1.

I Am Hideous!

Dear Miz Fitz,

I am not the most attractive girl in my school.  In fact, I am like the 200th most attractive. And there are only 223 of us. When I look in the mirror I want to die.

Angelina Jolie's school photo?

—Ugly Betty

Dear Betty,

You could try hanging out with the unfortunate twenty-three. Better yet, look up the high school yearbook pictures of future movie stars. It will help.

Don't forget to enter Miz Fitz's December contest for a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want. Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and you will be entered. (The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good.) Winner will be announced on January 1.

Doing the Math

Dear Ms. Fitz,

I am a sophomore in high school and my boyfriend, "Patrick" is too. I also happen to be in the advanced placement math class with mostly seniors. My boyfriend's brother is in the class with me. He is a more rugged and handsome version of Patrick. I think he is flirting with me while we are applying formulas to gravitation. Is it OK to flirt back?

Euclidea

Dearest Euclidea,

Miz Fitz is trying to imagine what constitutes flirting in an AP math class:

"One squared equals one, wink wink"

"You are more fascinating than a polynomial."

"The amplitude of your harmonic motion completes me."

But never mind that. Allow Miz Fitz to make a salient observation: When girls flirt they employ subtle, clever, and meaningful words and actions. A boy's version of flirtation is to simply stare and drool—there is nothing subtle about it. If you only "think" he is flirting with you, he is most probably not. In any case, consider the following equation: 15+2=17 In English, that means that Patrick will look just like his brother in two years.


Don't forget to enter Miz Fitz's December contest for a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want.Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and you will be entered. (The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good.) Winner will be announced on January 1.

December Contest Entry #1

HELP!! My significant other and I are invited to an ugly sweater party for the holidays with prizes for the couple who wears the ugliest sweaters.  I am so excited; I have the perfect sweaters picked out for honey and me! Honey refuses to wear sweater. : (    What should I do to get him to stop being a Scrooge?
—Ms. UGLY (Ugliest Sweater Girl is Longing for the Yuletide Spirit for her sweetie)


Dear Ugly,
First, Miz Fitz wants you to know how much she admires your pepper spray sweater, and thank you for including the photo. As for your S.O., the thing to keep in mind about boys is that NO SWEATER IS TOO UGLY FOR THEM TO WEAR. Your problem may be that the  sweater you picked out for him is not ugly enough to meet his exacting standards. Open your mind to other possible designs, such as this one:

Don't forget to enter Miz Fitz's December contest for a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want.Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and you will be entered. (The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good.) Winner will be announced on January 1.

What Boys Really DON'T Want

Dear Miz Fitz,

This guy I don’t like won’t leave me alone. How do you turn a guy off?

—Maid Marian

Dear Maid,

This can be accomplished by using strong body odors, unpleasant noises (speaking endlessly on topics such as chastity, marriage, and Justin Bieber), visual assault (get you ugly), or tactile stimulation (scratching, kicking, biting, etc.) In severe cases, it may be necessary to apply several such techniques simultaneously.

Don't forget to enter Miz Fitz's December contest for a signed hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want. Send Miz Fitz a holiday-related question and you will be entered. (The winner will be chosen at random, so your question doesn't have to be all that good.)

December Contest

Once again, Miz Fitz wishes to congratulate the winners of her November contest, "Penny" and "M." She will be standing in line at her local post office later today to mail them their prizes.


Because she had so much fun sorting through the deluge of entries (all eight of them), Miz Fitz is conducting another contest. This time she will be giving away a signed first edition hardcover copy of What Boys Really Want. 

This symbol is purported to represent the winter solstice.
Miz Fitz has her doubts.

You must ask Miz Fitz a question to enter. But this time there is a twist: it must be a holiday-related question. Any holiday will do.


The winner will be selected on January first, by a system yet to be devised, but entirely fair. 

Click here to submit a question. 

•Your email address will not be published or sold to spammers.

•Your real name will be used only with your express permission.

•Because Miz Fitz has limited funds available for postage, the book can be shipped only to locations in the U.S. and Canada.

Miz Fitz is In a Pickle

She has been wearing her Choosing Hat* all day, and she still can't decide which of the Many Questions she has received is truly the Best. Her cat is not helping either. Therefore, she has decided to employ random processes. John Cage would approve. Each question has been assigned a number.  She has written those numbers on individual slips of paper. She is putting the slips of paper in her Choosing Hat. She is reaching into the hat. She has chosen a slip of paper.


It is number six!


Miz Fitz is feeling generous. She is reaching into the hat again! She is giving away TWO books! 


It is number one!


Congratulations, number six! Congratulations, number one! Your books will arrive soon.


*Do not confuse the term "choosing hat" with the term "sorting hat," or you will be befuddled.

The Final Entries

The November contest entries are all in, and Miz Fitz will be choosing a winner later today. Here are three questions that squeaked in just under the wire:


Entry #6

Dear Miz Fitz,

 My boyfriend has been spending a lot of time at the comic book store playing Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons & Dragons.  I think he’s great, but I’m beginning to wish I were a pair of D & D dice.  What can I do to get him to notice me?

 —Penny

Miz Fitz has been to a comic book store, and she has observed they young men in the back of the room playing these games, and she thinks you should reconsider your wish to become a pair of D&D dice. Do you know where those hands have been? Miz Fitz grows woozy at the thought. However, she understands that love is both blind and inexorable. Since you will never be able to extract him from his fantasy universe, your only choice may be to join him. Consider "cosplay.com." 

Entry #7

Dear Miz Fitz,

My boyfriend and I went to see a movie and instead of getting the popcorn & diet Coke I asked for, he bought like 10 boxes of candy. Then I noticed the girl selling candy at the concession stand looked like a cheerleader for a professional sports team, if you know what I mean.

Should I be worried?

—J

In a word, Yes.  Miz Fitz was tempted to post a photo of what your boyfriend's teeth will look like in a few years, but the resulting image search on Google made her somewhat queasy, so she is posting this cute bunny picture instead. As for the cheerleader lookalike, unless your BF is NFL material, you need not be concerned. He knows it ain't gonna happen. 

Entry #8

Hello Miz Fitz,
I am doing a project on Pete Hautman and came across this great promotion! How fun! I am a graduate student who is getting my Master's as a Library Media Specialist. My course this sememster was on YAL. It is so fun. Reading these questions and answers are so funny!
My question is....what do boys really want???? I can't wait to read this book and discover the truth...finally!!! 


Miz Fitz is pleased that the final contest entry question is also the very first question ever asked on her blog, thus saving her the trouble of crafting a new response.




Miz Fitz will be announcing a the winner of a signed copy of What Boys Really Want later today. Contain yourselves.